Tangerines- succulent fruit vs. horrid haircolor

Recently, I needed some change and was hoping that, unlike President Obama's change, this would not put me in debt. I decided to change my naturally blonde hair to chocolate brown. Beautiful as it may have been, after a few months, it was time to go back to my roots..literally. However, my hairdresser disregarded the fact that my hair soaks up any red in hair dye, causing my hair to be permanently dyed orange, rather than blonde. (Enter "gasp" here). As I now sit at my laptop (orange locks in a bun on top of my head), my biggest fear is that I will get into a rut. That I will never be able to achieve my natural haircolor again and will end up in debt because of my impulsive change.

"Rut" is such an unappealing word. Take a minute to say it. Don't worry- I will wait! Even if that was the name of some delicious cheesecake, wouldn't it still be completely unappealing? Nevertheless, we allow ourselves into ruts often. We don't give any thought to growth of a person. For example, my siblings are all coming in for christmas and this couldn't be more true. Yet, I can only speak for myself and offer myself as an example, lest I be wrong. Each of my siblings seems to still think of me as the "emily" that existed when they left home for college. Most of the time, this happens to be the "boy-crazy, middle school Emily." She's not here anymore (thank the Lord!!), but how do you get out of that rut? Or will I always be "the little sister you don't want around"?

As you are around family for the Christmas (dare I say "Christmas", rather than "holiday") Season, be aware of ruts and try to get out of them by factoring in a person's ability to grow. Afterall, growth may be the only way I can get out of my current rut- tangerine hair!

Merry Christmas!

"Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

Burning off more than calories

My weekend has legitimately sucked. I claimed that I would turn over a new leaf and be optimistic on this blog (it was previously my complain forum). This will be my first test. God has put me in yet another personal fire. After the breakup, I learned that I don't have too many friends that are always there. I have made an intentional effort to hold onto those I do have, which takes alot of energy (especially when you are the only one pursuing the friendship). However, I don't have a group, a niche, or even a place. I am simply there. Also, I visited Mississippi College this weekend. I hoped I would fall in love with it and all my question marks surrounding this decision would be dispelled. But it wasn't that easy. It was abundantly clear throughout the weekend that Mississippi college is not the place for me; causing more question marks to appear and causing me to have a tearful prayer session with Our Lord asking "Why in the world do none of the colleges stick out to me? What is the purpose of my indecisiveness?" This doubtful prayer led me to cry more than I should (praise the Lord for whoever invented kleenex). And this crying led to irritated skin around my eyes which is now turning red and puffy (no, you will not see this as an upcoming beauty trend in your magazine because it is anything but beautiful). And to compound this weekend, My acne, which has been a sensitive topic for a while now, is beginning to come back in bigger waves than it started in. So not only am I verging on helpless, I can't even be a pretty helpless woman! Come on, I gotta have something here! I feel like one of those FFK'S (former fat kids) that lost a bunch of weight and is beginning to pack on the pounds again. No matter how much they work out, it's comin back with a vengence!

I know the typical "God has a plan and it will all work out" statement. I believe that God is sovereign and yes, somehow it will workout but He sure does have a huge load to work with. If God helps me survive this fire, It will be nothing short of a miracle. Let's just keep our fingers crossed that fire gets rid of blemishes on the skin as well as impurities in the heart. Girl, I'm gonna buy me some of that!

"You think that she's crazy and weak...."

Have you ever had one day when there are absolutely no plans and as a result of your pause, You realize how tired and worn out you actually are? Not only was today one of those days (I took a four hour nap and watched pride and prejudice), but today I also took a pause from something I have been doing for a long time- Banging my head against a closed door. You see, the people who claimed to love me the most are the ones who exclude me the most. For the two years I have been going to Cave Spring, I have continually banged my head against their walls hoping to be let in. I believed the lie that I am a victim in any given situation. For example, I haven't talked to my sister in a while and rather than calling her myself, I blamed her and pouted. How selfish/stupid is that?

No more. I'm not a victim. I stopped today and realized that all this time I could have had a proactive view. I could have pursued my sister myself. I could have pursued the other people outside of "the clique" and had solid relationships right now. I am not a victim. I am going to live proactively. I'm going to grow up. Because I am not a victim anymore. That clique will not even matter in 8 months. So why should they make or break the next 8 months? I will be proactive.

Moral of the story(though I learned this a little late): People don't fall for the words "I Love You." People fall for the actions that prove the words to be true.

"There's nothing here to hold on to, Can I hold you?"

My whole life has been an easy one, admittedly. I have always had someone to hold onto for my own direction. At first, my intelligent sister was my model to be more educated and take on the world. She went to college and it became my eldest brother, who modeled a truly laid-back lifestyle for me (even though I never came close to mastering it). He went to college, so lastly, it was my older brother Tyler. He, whether he knew it or not, modeled being openminded and taught that uniqueness is often a blessing (it's conformity that's often the curse). But then he went to school. The logical person to hold on to next would have been my mother, but, with all teenage rebellion aside, I disagree with many of the things she so willingly strives for. Yes, for all those who know her, She is a great woman. However, I don't want to be like her. Maybe a few things are notable, but otherwise, no.

At first, I looked for anyone to hold onto. But while searching, i realized I was not sinking. I was fine. This past summer and the beginning of this year, I have "embraced myself" per se. Though corny, I have not held onto any main person. How freeing it feels to just live. No decisions are made for other people, you just live. Granted, I still have not mastered the intelligence, laid-back-ness, or openmindedness of my siblings. But I have mastered the art of simply living. Rather than asking "why should i?" to various actions, I have begun asking "why should I not?"

If anyone is out there reading this, don't hold onto other people. You'll be just fine by yourself. I promise. Let go and live.

"Wish I could be Part of that World"

Do you remember The Little Mermaid? Aerial was so pretty with her long red hair contrasting perfectly with her green fin. Why wouldn't she be happy? Her father is "King Of The Sea", she has her own treasure room, she races her friends on dolphins backs, and swims all the time (which is perfect exercise and you would never have to wear makeup). But do you also remember her plea for help in the song "Part of Your World?" If you don't, please look up the lyrics.

She doesn't sound to happy, but why not?

Admittedly, My past posts have been my own twist on her tune. I have sounded like the most discontented person ever. Some of that is my personality, and some of that is also my birth rank. You see, I am the youngest in my family, so I grew up watching three other people go through phases in life and do things that I could never do. Looking back, I have always wanted to move to the next phase. When my sister was the first to go to High school, I remember helping set up her locker before school started and looking in the halls thinking "I only have a couple of years till I get this." However, Now that I am in this stage of life, It is old news. My family has been through this three times already. So now I enviously look at them going to college and living on their own (It doesn't help that I am asked nonstop about how my sister's marraige is doing. I'm tempted to tell them "I don't know, why don't YOU call her and ask her?"), but in the back of my mind I know that by the time I get there, the magic will be gone. It will be old news. It's funny how people are enthralled with the first people to do things. Rarely do people appreciate the ones who come afterwards. But without the followers we would still be following Swiss physician Friedrich Miescher's basic principle of a nucleus. We would have no knowledge of the complex structures in a cell, like the Golgi Apparatus or Mitochondria, which were discovered afterwards. They were discovered by the followers. The ones who came afterwards. The ones who were not noticed and had to prove that they were worthy of admiration and the spotlight.

My personality is an impatient one, but I have always wanted to grow up and I am always disappointed when I do. To all you non-youngest children- I know you have your problems too but please be thankful for your position.

Maybe I will be discontent until I struggle to finally learn how to enjoy phases of life even though I am not the first one (or even the second or third). As always, this is nearly impossible to do and incredibly easy to say. I need to stop wishing, like Aerial, that I could be "Part of [their] World."

"Workin' 9 to 5- What a way to make a living.."

Work. That word typically has negative connotations but I love it. Yes, it's tiring and sometimes that people are obnoxious, but It's different. I am learning something completely new and there is always more to know. No need to worry- I am not a Workaholic in the making. I just got tired of the typical high schooler summer a while back. I don't really enjoy sleeping in till 2 and then getting up eating leftovers and watching tv until you go out with friends at night. Don't get me wrong, that's fun in moderation, but three months of that?! I need to go out and accomplish something! I love being with my coworkers who are not constantly spitting out "that's what she said"s or perverted jokes. The more I'm around that jank the more I do it. They make me laugh at no one's expense. They see the world the same as me- as something to be conquered and explored. Most people my age see it as something to serve and pamper them. I may not be the most proactive of people, but I am not lazy either.

It's ironic that my time is spent helping other people see better, yet the people are teaching me how to see better as well. I guess it comes down to this- The typical high schooler values things and uses people but I'm ready to end that phase in my life so I can use things and value people.

I'm ready for my senior year(the last year of this phase)! More ready than I have ever been.......

"I've got my life in a suitcase"

High School.....

Some say it is the best time in life
Others say college owned high school.
Still others say anything is better than middle school.

I don't quite know where my opinion lies in this discussion. The best times of high school have been awesome but, I will not reserve my frustrations about it. All I can conclude is that a considerable amount of things in my life right now are temporary. I solely have one year of high school left until I establish my own boundaries and step out from the lines that have been drawn so vividly for years. Though some idolize the step (and yes, I used to be one of them), I am quite numb to the subject. My excitement to experience something new is nullified by the slow pace of my current high school career. My performance on academics has become perfunctory because I am so tired of learning about subjects I will never again address. I love to learn, but I am selective of what I want to learn about. Whether this is a flaw or a gift, I have not yet decided.

I haven't decided a lot of things. Like what to do this summer, what I want to do with my life, How long an average high school relationship is supposed to last, whether a bunch of acquaintances is better than close friends, are high school friends temporary or permeneant?

I have yet to decide how strong I really am. Currently, "I've got my life in a suitcase. I'm ready to run away."

Is that laziness or discipline? ungratefulness or just perspective?

Scratch that idea

So in my previous blog, I compared my life to a puzzle. My analogy is quite impaired. You see, There are times in my life when it doesn't seem to be traveling from mass confusion to complete understanding. Sometimes the progress is lacking and there is simply confusion.

As opposed to a puzzle, My life seems more like a movie. The director has in his head exactly how the movie will look but while filming, there's confusion to everyone else. Scenes are filmed in any order except chronologically. It simply doesn't make sense. Or maybe my life is like a novel. In a good, unpredictable novel, only the author knows exactly what's happening. If the reader was only given a couple unfinished chapters, it would make no sense.

Sometimes my habits, sources of happiness, and methods make no sense (even to me! ) but I have an author who is writing and filming my life. Each detail is important somehow. Looking back on it, movies and novels are more fun than puzzles anyways.......

I'm so bad at puzzles....

Though it's against my rules- I am blogging two days in a row. I am the exception to my own rule.

It's a theory that when a woman emotionally eats, she is really craving something else. Some crave sleep, love, visibility, escape, etc. I, more often than not, crave Context. As in that one puzzle piece that makes everything fit together. For example, a girl wakes up feeling nauseous, has random cravings for certain foods, and is very moody suddenly. She doesn't know what's going on. Then, BAM!, she finds out she's pregnant. It makes everything, all those random symptoms, make sense!

I can tell you a billion facts about myself. For example, I hate mexican food and being alone (which is my biggest fear). I love tulips, heat/sun/the south, sundresses, vintage furniture, ice cream, original art, zoo's, candles, blankets, being pursued, high heels, city lights, talking to people, cooking, dogs, dancing, little kids, the beach....and I could go on and on.....

I deeply crave those missing puzzle pieces ( which I know God is holding) that will bring it all together and give me that "Ahh!!!" reaction. Until then I will sit here with my random facts and do who-knows-what with them.

April showers bring May flowers

So I went down to visit family in Louisiana over spring break. This is always an adventure. The two sides of my family are very different and very large. As in, as close to polar opposites as I have ever seen two groups of people be. Since I love observing people, I decided to write down ideas that I noticed on this trip.

1. It is ingrained in our personalities to see something beautiful and immediately want it. Rarely do you see people solely admiring. If someone compliments your outfit, you can often tell not only do they like it, but they want it. Consequently we have sins like jealousy, lust, etc. We need to learn to admire beauty.

2. Home isn't home without people who CHOOSE to love you. Don't get me wrong, My family is amazing (both sides of it!) but my value seems to decrease when I am not around friends, who have the opportunity to ignore me, but choose to love me regardless. Love is not a feeling, like we've been taught, but a choice. We choose to love certain people at certain times. That's why unconditional love is so rare (and may i say almost impossible?!) to find among humans. Isn't it amazing how the more we know about ourselves and our nature, the more remarkable it is that God would ever love us this much?

3. If i may steal an idea from one of the smartest people I know, this third idea is the most signifigant to me. Consider Newton's Law- "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" Replace "action"/"reaction" with "feeling" and it takes on a deeper meaning in human behavior. If you feel a certain way, there is always an equal/ opposite feeling. I first saw this between my sister and I (when she pointed it out to me). I feel inferior because I'm the youngest. To me, she seems to have it all! She's on her own with a husband, a job, a puppy, incredibly chic clothes, and those loyal, faithful friends (whom I seem to never be able to find). But then Rie feels inferior because she's older. I looked at my friendships with this viewpoint. Some girls seem to have it all, but what do they see when they see me? And then, to my dating relationships- Sometimes I feel like I am just not enough for Dan, but in what ways can i encourage him when he feels that same way? I guess it comes down to me being stubborn again(just when i thought I'd learned this lesson) and putting on my blinders to other's feelings and to my own blessings.

So admittedly, this came out to be a lot longer than I had planned in my head but maybe, just maybe, it helped you. God is good.....all the time. Even when we put on our blasted blinders.

Free Translation

There are some things you just don't tell people. No matter how much you love them, think what your saying is complimentary, or want to sound genuine.

1. Don't tell someone "I liked the way your hair was yesterday better" which essentially means "I think you were prettier yesterday." If someone is pretty, it is a permeneant state. You can't be temporarily pretty.
2.Don't tell someone you are "fine" when there is obviously something wrong. Thats called a lie and I am very guilty of this. If you don't wanna talk about it, then just say that rather than lying to someone.
3. Don't tell someone "Though that was fun, I regret doing it." This translates into "That was fun but not fun enough for me to be proud of doing it." Don't make someone feel inferior by saying that to them. If you feel that way, keep it to yourself (unless it's something important like you regret marrying or something relatively life-changing).
4. Don't tell someone you want to hang out with them only to make no effort in planning something. Yeah, you sound genuine but that statement means nothing unless it's followed up.
5. Don't tell someone you will meet them only to not show up. Currently, I'm sitting in the gym of Cave Spring High school where I was told to be at 6:30 to set up for the Renaissance Faire. I was preparing an apology when running five minutes late. It's 7:15 and no one is here. No one has been here since 6:30, except me. And the humiliating cameras lining the walls......

There are some times that I wish I was completely irresponsible.

If you know me at all, or even from reading my previous blogs, you know that I am a big dreamer. I'm stubborn sometimes but I've learned relative flexibility. Recently, a new dream came into my head.

Previously, I was wanted to major in Psychology and Nutrition in order to counsel girls in the recovery of eating disorders. The mysteriousness and desperation of those girls intrigued me. However, I doubt that when I am a grown woman, I will want to be around teenage girls who are grumpy from not eating.

I woke up and thought of a new dream that would be equally, if not more, enjoyable. It may be a bit big and exagerated, and always idealistic. I would totally enjoy going to beauty school next year and enter college with a high school diploma and license as a beauty technician. I would own my own cute little spa/ salon called "The Magnolia." It would be a cozy yet beautiful place complete with bible verses of beauty and fresh flowers in antique vases. Not only would I lead a business, but I could also make this a ministry. My business would host woman's weekend retreats within the community. We will spoil these woman and treat them incredibly. All the while, teaching them about the noncorny message of biblical, true beauty.

Yes, I am a dreamer. Yes, I am a leader. I just have no idea what I will lead or what dreams will come true. Maybe those two characteristics aren't a good combo.

A Game of Trivial Pursuit

My dog Boudreaux is the coolest dog I've ever known. He loves playing with his chew toys. From tug-o-war to fetch, he loves it all, but his favorite part is having the toy in his mouth and being chased for the toy in order to play. He loves being pursued first and most. His face turns to complete rejection when he walks in circles around someone (chew toy halfway in his mouth) and they don't try to get the toy. He goes and curls up in his corner next to the grill and drops his toy between his paws. He doesn't realize the difference between a person not wanting to pursue the toy and a person not being interested in him. If they don't go for the toy, they don't like him (in his mind).

I adore being pursued. I love it when people are interested in your life and make it a point to find you at some point in their day. I've walked in circles around people too. And I've been rejected.....and I guess I have curled in my own little corner.......... too often. Maybe I don't realize the difference either.

Blasted chew toys.....

This would happen to me

I was on a pointless website that allowed you to type in two adjectives you value in a boyfriend and it gave you a percentage chance you have of finding a "soulmate" with those attributes. Just for fun, I thoughtfully came up with a combo that was the perfect summarization in my mind-

Playful/ Dependable

I was actually, admittedly a little nervous as it said "calculating your chance at love." I laughed under my breath at the cornyness of the whole thing and then my results came up

0%

Im not kidding. Zero. Nothing. No chance. Prepare the multiple dinner tables for one which i will occupy in the future.....apparently.

I hope God doesn't pay attention to those...Please?!...Maybe?!.......Let's hope.......:) It's almost humorous, in a hopeless way, of course.

Where does the good go? By tegan and sara

First, listen to the song in the title. Then, read. :)

So recently, I've been confronted with alot of situations dealing with reconciliation in relationships. I watched "He is just not that into you," counseled friends who are hurting, prescribed myself one dove chocolate a day to help with my own predicament. But good advice and even better chocolate can't heal the relationship (and no im not only talking about "dating"). So then what does it require? I, personally, am at the point where i will do absolutely anything to solve my predicament. So I have gone through as many spiritual fruits as i can think of while encouraging myself " this is it!!" I loved but forgot to listen. I trusted but forgot to forgive. I was patient but forgot to show i cared. I was joyful but forgot to spread it. I was kind but forgot to protect. I was faithful but forgot to love.

The frustration mounted.

So what will solve this?! All I want is to have reconciliation, grow stronger from the destroyed roadblock, then leave the miscommunication in the dust and move on. It's too much drama for me. Then the thought occured to me and i felt so foolish........To solve this, I need all of these. I need to love and to listen. To trust and to forgive. I need to be patient, caring, joyful, faithful, and loving. This guy is special to me as more than a boyfriend, he's my friend as well. Whether he holds up his end of the dating commitment or not, I will honor him. I will respect him. And he will know that I care.

I hold fast to the promise in Jeremiah 31: 3-4. God pulls us in with loving kindness, and will build us back up. We will dance again. Joy will come back! We will be rebuilt!

That's reconciliation.

From trash to treasure..or treasure to treasure

Tomorrow night is a night i anticipate so earnestly i can't think of anything else. It is makeover night. I aam ready for something completely different and daring. Since there is no chance of leaving Roanoke permeneantly before next Tuesday, I hope to make myself look different and unrecognizable. I need some renewed confidence, to be honest. Drama wears you out and it shows physically. As i dream big about all the changes I want to undergo just for the fun of it, I realize many of them are completely insane. I.E. dye my hair chocolate brown, pierce my nose with a cute little jewel, get a small (meaningful and nontacky) tattoo, get a perm, chop off my hair in a cute pixie cut, Get hair extensions, and the list goes on and on. As you can see I Dream big and those dreams sometimes contradict themselves. When i told my mom of my plans, she stamped many of them with an " absolutely not" response.

The list was condensed to the few I will actually undergo- Different haircut, second hole in my ears, and maybe dye mi pelo slightly darker.

And viola! From trash to treasure...or treasure to treasure..unless you consider me white trash :)

The bare necessities..the simple bare necessities of life

Don't you miss the days of Jungle Book, Tarzan, and all the other non- princess disney movies?! I remember i wanted to be Jane horribly! Who wouldn't? She plays around and explores the woods with apes (And her perfectly toned jungle Man) and when she is in trouble- Have no fear! Tarzan is always near! If only life were like that. The other day Dan came over and we took a walk with my gorgeous dog, Boudreaux. Being the rebels that we naturally are, we let Boo off his leash and run wild, as wild as a civilized dog can be. In the spirit of the rebellion, we (carefully) skipped across the creek on a fallen tree, swung down from a vine, and ran around with no purpose in mind. We were simply running. We had no idea where to, but we were going there fast! It was the most fun I've had in so long.......

Just a story I thought you'd enjoy! For this once, I'll leave the deep philosophical parallels up to you to create and explore......Just like Tarzan and Jane :)

Does light illuminate the dark or does dark cover the light?!

City lights are so beautiful. I'm one of those freaks that adore the man made splendor more than the natural shimmery lights that are thrown sporatically across the night sky. The city lights flicker and glitter but they are on every night int he same place. It reminds me of friendships between southern ladies- no matter the changes they face, they will alaways face them together. They comfort each other and are always within reach. I'm convinced you can't find a relationship with that much dependability and loyalty up here. It must be something in the mountain air.

So, lights. Though I could stare at both city lights and stars for hours, they both comfort. The city lights remind us of the bustling lives that surround us. We aren't alone on this earth. However, the stars remind us that we aren't alone in a sense that we are being watched, pursued, and protected. Either way we aren't alone. If city lights ceased to light one night, we would not be alone....We would simply have to look up to know that for a fact.......

Guilty until proven innocent; useless until proven legitimate

Don't you hate it when someone is talking to you and yet you can sense they are totally uninterested? They couldn't care less what colleges you are looking at. It is just a rule written in some book I have yet to find that at a certain age, every adult must ask you about your future. I despise and love that word (future) at the same time. I love the mysterious nature of it. No plans can ever be solidified. No dreams can ever be secured. So, what happens if you have no plans?

As I try to reason through this world I'm about to enter called "college," I have to admit I have no idea what I'm doing. I have simple dreams that I created solely from the thought of "That'd be fun to do" but that's it. There- the secret is out....I have absolutely no idea what I want to do with this thing called the future. Best of all, I'm totally content. I could list a billion jobs that I could do and a trillion that I can't but either way- I wouldn't hesitate trying them. It's even humorous to play with people's minds when they ask about my plans. I will tell people different responses than I told them five minutes before. It's hilarious to watch this puzzled look creep across their faces as they realize the inconsistency. Oh, It never gets old.

Somehow; however, I am not as valued as those students that seem to know what field they will go into and how they will use it; whose plans are more useful, somehow, than my flexible dreams. Has it been proven yet or is it just a rumor that most of high school students' plans change before they graduate? Regardless of the statement's status, I believe it. Why do we have to act like we have everything together? Why is it not okay for me to just trust that i have a future whether i know what it consists of or not? Why am i now deemed useless?

I guess they are waiting for me to realize that college is coming. Little do they know, I am more ready for it than anyone else. To them, I'm guilty of wasting my time and I must prove myself innocent with "concrete" plans for my life. To them, I am useless until I prove that I am legitimate.

I will gladly bear those titles. And when i pass these people, i will touch my scarlet letter.